As Far as Dancing is Concerned

Life is complicated.

One year ago, Jody was in ICU. It was a miracle that she survived her "crash" the week earlier, and we had nothing but hope in our hearts that she would graduate from ICU soon. God was so near and tender to us as we rehearsed our lives with words of deep love and priceless openess and tenderness.

She was - at that point - thirty days from her death. I truly thought we would still see God's hand rescue us from cancer. One more test - one more break - one more step and surely we would hit bottom and the trial would reverse! In fact, it was not until Sept. 27th that I gave in to the idea that He would indeed take her and the reversal would not come. Since then, I have learned to accept the fact that indeed Jody is more alive now than if God had reversed her disease and she was here with me right now.

Today I had my first doctors appointment since she died. What I didn't see coming was how emotional I would become in that environment. I wasn't in the little exam room for more than a minute when I suddenly became aware of the all too familiar sharps container, the blood pressure equipment, the medical "stuff" all over the place. Suddenly it was as if I was back at one of the hundreds of appointments with Jody sitting on the exam table in her cute green "Doctors Appt." outfit. I wept and wept and wept. Finally when the doctor came in - I had some explaining to do - and she was very kind. The whole event really took me by surprise. (And my blood pressure reading was quite high!)

Needless to say - "firsts" are the hardest.

But there is some light in my life. Jesus Christ has been my steady companion. He has shown me that His love, grace and provision is sufficient for every single circumstance in life.

Jody wanted me to "move on". She said so many times as she tried to prepare me for the inevitable reality I did not want to accept. The reality that some day I would have to face life without her - and that I would have to rebuild a shattered life. It has been the toughest thing I've ever faced. No one can prepare you for being a widower.

Moving on has been a slow, deliberate act of faith. I have made mistakes not seeing how vulnerable I am. I have hurt people that I cared about. I have had to strangle things in my life to make room for important things. But God never changes and that is the point of this post. God is a restorer. Even Job was restored beyond what he could ask or think.

The Lord has brought someone very special into my life. When the time is right - I will reveal more - but for now - would you please pray for me as I walk the strange line between utter despair over the past, and hope filled joy towards a new future?

I am not dancing yet - but I can hear the orchestra tuning up. And I can see Jody smiling.